The 30 Somethin' Year Old Man Without a License
by Wazzy Wazlib
Summary: "Careful-careful-OH, GOD, DON'T HIT THAT CAT!" Ron goes to get his License. Chaos insues. ONE SHOT-NOT SLASH! SLASH IS SCARRING!


**Disclaimer: Yes, I own Harry Potter. I'm also Tarrant Hightopp.**

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The rain was beating relentlessly down against the hood of the crummy beat up car, and Ron's knuckles were starch white as he clutched the steering wheel tightly.

The passenger door flew open and a small man with glasses larger than Professor Trelawney's jumped in, slamming the door shut immediately. He took his glasses off, wiped them on his shirt, then put them back up to his eyes, peering at Ron.

"Hello, Mr..." he consulted his clipboard, squinting down at the soaked pages, "Weasley, is it?"

Ron grunted in confirmation, glaring out the rain washed front windshield.

"Very good, very good," the Driving Instructor said, nodding in satisfaction. "Are you ready to begin?"

Ron grunted again.

"Are you alright, Mr. Williams?"

"Weasley," he automatically corrected.

"Right. Well, my name is Mr. Colt, and I'll be overseeing your test, obviously."

Ron grunted yet again.

"Well, come on then, start up the car."

Ron took a deep breath and cranked up the car. With a big _bang!_ smoke erupted from the exhaustion pipe, and then began to splutter rather weakly. Ron put the car in drive and timidly put his foot to the pedal, the car inching forward painfully slow.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa!" Mr. Colt said as they snailed along. "Easy on the gas-easy on the-WHOOOA!"

Ron turned to stare at the Instructor in disbelief.

"EYES ON THE ROAD!" Mr. Colt cried frantically.

"Mate, I'm not even bloody going the Speed Limit!" Ron objected.

"EYES. ON. THE. _ROOOAD!"_

Ron rolled his eyes and did as he was asked, squinting through the rain at the road, the car inching along.

Mr. Colt was gripping the edge of his seat so hard his knuckles were whiter than Ron's. "Careful-careful-OH, GOD, DON'T HIT THAT CAT!"

A cat was stalking across the road, a good ten feet ahead of the car that was barely going a mile per hour.

"Mate, relax," Ron said, any nerves he previously had gone due to the ridiculous fear plastered across Mr. Colt's face.

The rest of the test was in tense silence, Ron hunched over the steering wheel, vainly wishing he could use his wand to deflect the rain from the windows so he could sodding see, and Mr. Colt clutching the seat in terror as they bumbled along in the car, which had now taken to belching out thick and roiling clouds of black smoke from the exhaust pipe.

Just when he could see the end of the driving course, the only thing between them a bridge across the river, another car came out of nowhere, sliding along the wet road and crashing into the side of their car, sending them spinning off course.

"MERLIN'S PANTS!" Ron yelled, yanking on the steering wheel. Mr. Colt cried out in terror, clutching his face in horror as he stared out the passenger door window as the car wheeled towards the edge of the bridge they had been crossing.

They slid to a stop, crashing against the railing of the bridge hard enough to deploy the airbags. Ron was slammed against his seat as the steering wheel exploded instinctively.

"What-the hell-was _that_?" Ron asked, rubbing his head as he attempted to shove the airbag back into the steering wheel.

"YOU FAIL!" Mr. Colt cried, pointing at him. "EPICALLY FAIL! Now be a good man and take me back-"

But Ron silenced him, throwing a hand over his mouth as he caught sight of the car that had run into them. The driver's door had opened, and a tall eerily familiar man had stepped out, smirking characteristically at them.

Ron's mouth fell open.

"Mr. Colt, I advise you to buckle up," Ron said, turning the key in the ignition. The engine sputtered pathetically. "Come on," Ron hissed, tapping the dashboard nervously. "Come on..."

"What on Earth-" Colt sputtered. "Mr. Wallaby-"

"The name's Weasley," he snarled, vainly trying to start up the car. The tall man climbed back into his own vehicle, effortlessly restarting the sleek black car. He revved his engine threateningly.

"Who-what-?" Colt was beside himself. "I don't understand!"

"Bad man," Ron told him, nodding at the black car. "It might be hard to believe, but I'm a kickass hero, Mr. Colt, and that man wants to kill me."

"Whaaat?"

Finally, the engine roared to life and Ron wrenched the stick into drive, slamming his foot down on the pedal. They rocketed forward and Mr. Colt was driven back into his seat at the speed.

"OH, MY!" he cried as they thundered up the bridge. A sudden tolling of a bell sounded around them and Mr. Colt let out a blood curdling scream, pointing as the bridge was pulling its self up to allow a boat to go beneath it. "WHAT DO WE DO?"

"WE JUMP IT!" Ron hollered back.

"WHAT'RE YOU CRAZY?"

"MAYBE A BIT!"

Colt pressed back into his seat, arms braced on either side of him, mouth wide open in a silent scream, eyes bulging from his head.

Ron was leaning forward now, eyes narrowed and intense as the car rocketed up the rising bridge. He spared a glance in the rear-view mirror at the black car chasing them, eerily silent.

Colt let out a silent scream as the bridge dropped from beneath them as Ron drive right off of it. It was as if time stopped as the car hung suspended above the toiling waters of the river, flying in slow motion towards the other half of the bridge.

"MUUUMMMY!" Colt cried.

With a painful _crunch!_ the car landed on all four wheels on the other half of the bridge, and wasting no time, Ron sped down the steep incline, heading for the safety of the street.

"IS HE STILL BEHIND US?" Ron roared at Colt, who looked ready to pee himself.

Colt was trembling as he glanced in the mirror. "N-n-nooo...GAH! YES! HE'S BACK!" he cried as the black car appeared on the bridge, having sailed over the river just as effortlessly.

"COLT! IF I GET US OUTTA THIS, I BETTER PASS!" Ron roared.

"OK!"

Ron hurtled a street corner, crashing into a Hot Dog stand. Ketchup flew across the windshield and Ron turned on the wipers. A passing bird smacked into car, feathers sticking to the ketchup.

"OH, COME ON!" Ron roared, the wipers only making the mess worst. "I'M BLIND!"

"I'M A DEAD MAN!" Colt whined.

Ron felt his wand in his pocket, then glanced at Colt. "Sorry about this, mate," he said, before elbowing him hard in the face. Colt slumped against the passenger window, out cold.

Ron whipped out his wand. "_BOMBARDOM_!" in a shower of broken glass, the windshield blew apart, and with a quick sheild charm, the shards bounced harmlessly away from Ron and Colt.

The chase continued. Ron weaved expertly in between other cars, receiving many angry honks in return. He rolled down his window and stuck his wand out, sending a well aimed curse at his pursuer.

He deflected one sent his own way, and yanked the steering wheel, sending the car crashing through the window of a hotel building.

Muggles screamed and ran out of the way as the car thundered across the lobby, smacking into the receptionists desk on its way past. Ron crashed through another window and skidded back onto the road.

And then-

"No _way_ did that happen, Uncle Ron," James scoffed.

"It so did, I swear!" Ron told him. "And don't interrupt me when I'm reminiscing-"

"Do you honestly expect us to believe you _jumped a bridge_?" Albus said with disbelief written all over her face.

"Or knocked out a Driving Instructor?" added Rose.

"Hey, I'm awesome, remember?" Ron told them.

Harry, who had been talking with George, snorted when he heard. "Yeah, Ron. Totally awesome."

"I am! Aren't I?" he asked his son, Hugo.

The small red headed boy nodded, his eyes wide as he gazed at his father in unashamed adoration.

Lily giggled. "_I_ think Uncle Ron is awesome!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, returning to her conversation with Ginny.

"How about you tell us what _really_ happened, Uncle Ron?" James said, raising an eyebrow.

Ron glared at the thirteen year old. "You don't believe me, eh?" He fished around in his pocket and pulled out his license, shoving it right under the boy's nose. "Read right there-" he said, pointing at a bunch of loopy words written under his picture.

" 'Thanks for saving my life, Wazlib. Mr. Colt'," James read with a smirk. "Who's Wazlib?"

"Ah, shut it. He's worst than Slughorn was. But all that aside, I was telling the truth."

"Well, then how did you get away?" Rose questioned.

Ron took a sip of his drink and returned to his tale.

The car skidded to a stop and Ron jumped out, his wand held at the ready. His pursuer screeched to a stop in his car as well. Ron stared at it, eyes narrowed, watching as the engine revved like a giant monster growling threateningly.

"Come on, then!" Ron yelled. "Let's see what you got, Malfoy!"

Draco climbed out of his car. "Ironic, isn't it? That I, a Muggle Hater, can drive a car, and yooo-uuu caaan't," he sang tauntingly.

"What do you think I was doing?" Ron said, gesturing at the banged up car smoking pathetically, half on the road half on the sidewalk.

Draco smirked. "Worst driving I've ever seen, Weasley."

"The only reason you could drive _your _fancy hunk of metal was with _magic_. I was driving on raw instinct and talent," Ron fumed.

"Suuuure..." Draco said sarcastically. "Looks to me you were Weasley-ing."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Weasley-ing, Weasley-ing," he recited in a taunting voice.

"Real mature, Draco. Real mature. I save your pathetic little existence and you try to drag race me? Wow. You've got issues."

"Are we going to stand here and threaten each other, or actually duel, or something of the like?"

"Something of the like."

"What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"I dunno..."

"Wow."

"This is random."

Draco and Ron stared at each other. "Wait...what?"

Draco sighed. "Why am I here again? You clearly aren't even worth my time."

"The feeling's mutual," Ron assured him.

"Yeeeah...are we done here?"

"I think we are."

"Awesome."

They turned to go back to their respected cars.

"On second thought..." Ron muttered. He swung back around, his wand raised. "_EXPELLIARMUS_!" Draco was blasted off of his feet, and smacked into the hood of his car so hard it left a dent in the sleek black hood.

"What was _that_for?" Malfoy wheezed, clutching his bruised ribs.

"For being you," Ron told him. He climbed back into the car and drove off, leaving Draco slumped against his car.

"I still don't believe it," James told Ron.

"Believe what you want, kid," Ron told him. "Cause that's what happened."

Rose shook her head. "Scorpius has never said anything about his father having a license."

"So? Scorpius is a Malfoy. They're all gits."

"Are not!" Rose said in defense of her friend. "Scorpius is one of my best friends! There's nothing gitty about him!"

"Suuure there's not," Ron said.

"Draco was singing? Yeah, right," Hermione said, as skeptical as the kids.

"Fine! No one believe me!" Ron said hotly.

"I believe you," Hugo said.

"Me, too!" said Lily.

"I like these two more than all of you!" Ron announced, standing up out of his chair. "C'mon, you two, let's go eat ice cream!"

"Yeah!"

"Whippeee!"

"Will he ever grow up?" Harry asked Hermione as they watched him take the kids to the kitchen.

"Sadly, no."

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**Meh. Review.**


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